Cassandra,

I don’t hate you. I’m still hurt. I’m angry. Depressed. Broken, a little. But I still love you. A lot. One of the only people I’ve wanted to spend my life with. 

I guess I shouldn’t be so full of myself and narcissistic. Now I understand why more than half the things you say to me now are an attempt to 1up me. I still don’t fully understand. I’ve just always gone for what I wanted. I never thought it would backfire on me like that. I fucked up for a huge portion of my life, and, wanting to be seen as someone of worth to my family, I made sure to do better when I got to Townview. Then I met you, and wanted to impress YOU at all costs. I changed my personality from a one of a shy, quiet nerd to the one of a wise-cracking, “charismatic” joker. I got back into weed smoking, and a whole bunch of my old habits. I wanted to be with you. You’re one of my attachments to this world that keeps me from running away and abandoning everyone. Everyone. Just leaving and never coming back.

And look where all of that got me. Out of your arms. I never knew NSBE was that important to you. Hell, I joined because of you. Now I want to quit, because it fucked me over in the worse possible way. I don’t even give a fuck about school anymore. 

Bettering myself, while screwing over the one chance I had to be happy with a gorgeous, intelligent, funny, and, in my eyes, perfect girl. The girl that proved that the saying “love at first sight” is true. Someone who’s so entrapping I even fell in love with her flaws. True love. Never to be expressed.

Once again, the color of my skin and my background screwed me over. I don’t blame your family. I blame your background. That the people that you were surrounded by had that in mind. Instead of being a guy you love and want to date, I’d always just be “that black guy” that they would never accept. I wouldn’t be, unless I was white or Hispanic. Whatever. It’s no one’s fault. Just society fucking me over again. Oh how fucked up this world I want to leave is…..

I knew you were dating Nay since Sunday. It’s why I can’t look you in the eyes. A big banner on his Facebook page. I looked at it and it shattered me. I was so shocked I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I was confused, especially since he hadn’t seen you in ages and made out with your friend in a hotel bed during your birthday party. I broke down, something I hadn’t done in a while. I tried to erase memories of you from the past 8 months. But that didn’t work. All I could do is smile the next day, crack jokes, and be an asshole. I felt betrayed. But now I know you weren’t using me. I just……..never had a chance. He was a perfect fit. I never was. I could never be the optimistic, the extreme stoner, the cool hispanic guy he is. Never. I lost to experience.

I had just been alone so long. I thought this was a chance. But, around March, I lost faith. I knew you were drifting. I lost. Like I had always done. Lost at the things I desperately wanted, and won the things I didn’t. Empty.

The person I fell for. The person I wanted to give my family, my deepest memories and thoughts, my virginity, my everything. I couldn’t even get that. At all. 

So, I hope you are happy with Nay. I truly do. If I can’t have anything else, I want you to be happy. Never forget that. Get better than what you deserve. Be greater than me. Have a great time. 

I still love you. There will always be something there, yearning for you. But I can’t have you now. Sadly. Just know I’ll always be there. For life. As close as I can be since we can’t be as close as I want to be.

All your decisions make sense, because they were based off your preferences and experiences. I understand. As much as possible. You are not wrong in this situation at all. I don’t blame you. I just blame myself that it took me 8 months to realize I was never meant to be with you.

I’ve lost. I’m alone. That’s how life works. Now I want to run away. Now. This is where I start breaking down and lose the urge to write. I fucking love you. Remember that. That will never stop. Just keep going…..do better…..

I will always love you. Always.